Friday, May 13, 2011

Time to Purge

... I've been avoiding blogging... I've been afraid to write...I don't want to say it out loud...


I was let go :( budget cuts in a public school, and I'm the newest.

I'm devastated. I know that sounds melodramatic, since I knew this was a possibility... but I guess I just never really let myself think about what I would do our how I would feel if I really was the one cut. That's right, I was the one... the only person in our building cut... I feel like I'm walking around with a spotlight on my face and an announcer screaming "look at Amanda with pity, she just got cut".

I digress, back to how  I feel (cause I'm sure you really care). Drew doesn't get it, but I feel homeless, which I know sounds funny. I still have my home, my hubby, my pup... but this I place that my life has revolved around for the past 3 years... is suddenly not going to be my place any more. Growing up, I always pictured myself teaching at this school. This is my hometown, the middle school I went to, the team at the middle school that I was on (we team teach and no joke I've been teaching with several of my old teachers the past couple of years). The moment I started teaching here, it just felt like home to me. Yes there were people I didn't like, aren't there always? But it just felt right to me. I love (most of) the people on my team, I made some amazing friends, I love my kids and I love my program. It's an intense, labor-intensive and sometimes exhausting program, but it just fit so well with my philosophy of teacher...no other school in our state has this program at the middle school level.

So now I've lost my home. My base. The place were I always thought I would be. The worst part? I can't tell my kids. I have to (somehow) go the next 5 weeks with them everyday, and not tell them that I wont be back in the fall. My 8th graders wont be able come back to visit after school next year, my 6th and 7th graders won't have me for the 3 years like they were promised. Not to toot my own horn... but they're going to be devastated... they already are and they don't even know for sure that I'm leaving.

My principal says I can't tell them until the last week of school... but they're not dumb, they know. They know there were budget cuts... they know I'm low man on the totem pole. They see how my team members hug me, pat me on the back, tell me that they love me. The saw a teacher from another wing bring me a whoopie pie... they see the change in me. They saw me tear up yesterday when a 6th grader said she loves me and that she is going to bawl her eyes out at the end of 8th grade when she has to leave me... I didn't have the heart to tell her that the day of leaving is coming a lot sooner than expected.

The worst part is that they keep asking "are you safe?" "who got cut?" or making plans for the fall... It takes all my strength not to sob...they are so earnest and concerned about me... and I can't tell them. It's killing me. One girl wrote a letter to the principal telling her how wonderful I am and how, even with all the budget cuts, I am a teacher worth fighting to save... I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's too late... but I still gave the letter to my principal, just to show her how much she's losing.

I just don't think it's fair not to tell my kids... this affects them, honestly it affects them more than it affects me. They deserve to know, but it's not my call. I get why admin doesn't want me to tell them... the parent outcry is going to be outrageous and possibly volatile (which may or may not be amusing to see). I get that admin wouldn't want to deal with it and that waiting until the end of the year will limit parent's complaining time... but they have every right to complain. I have done a lot for my kids, and not gonna lie, I'm a pretty amazing teacher... my kids AND my parents love me, respect me, and appreciate my dedication to them... they have every right to voice their concerns... but again, not my call.

So as of right now, I don't have a job for the fall. Part of me knows that this is meant to be, and I will end up where I belong... the other part of me knows that the economy stinks, job opportunities are rare... and is scared to death. This is also the part of me that doesn't handle change well and is currently being forced to make a major change... no lie, that's the part of me that is dominant right now. I'm scared, hurt, anxious... but mostly just sad. Whereas I was previously counting down the days in anticipation of summer vacation... I'm now counting down the precious days I have left on my team, in my room... and with my kids.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your job! Being laid off is the worst...I spent a lot of time last year being unemployed so I know how you are feeling. It's good that even though it wasn't as long as you had hoped, you still got to spend time and teach at the school you were at. Each experience makes us stronger and more adept to be better for the future. I'm sure you will love your next teaching gig just as much! Keep your chin up..it will get better

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Amanda I am so sorry! It's not fair and you are totally allowed to rant and be pissed! I hate that you can't tell your poor kids but I'm positive they'll never forget you, or you them!

    I know it's a sad time but things will get better for you, you deserve it! I'm here for you so vent away if you need to!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Amanda,
    I am SO sorry to hear this. I can NOT even try to imagine what you must be going through. We're here if you need anything.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sorry to hear this Amanda! I know I haven't talked to you in a long long time but I've read some of your blog, I hope you don't mind!

    I think it's too bad that your boss won't let you tell the kids yet. That's what erks me the most! I would think that by telling them now would be much better than right before they go. Regardless, cherish the time you have left and stay positive. Everything happens for a reason.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I stopped over from tail waggin tuesday and started reading, i am so sorry to hear you lost your job, i too have been laid off due to budget cuts and it is hard to not tell your students or clients ( in my case) I hope you can enjoy the next few weeks and soak up how much the kids appreciate you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm really sorry to hear about your layoff! That sucks big time. :(

    ReplyDelete

The best part of blogging is hearing from my readers, so share your thoughts and ideas... or just say "hi"!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...