Thursday, August 11, 2011

Am I a bad person?

So, I got invited to a friend's baby shower... a friend who has been MIA for, oh about 6 months. Last time I saw her she was 4 weeks pregnant. Apparently (according to the shower invite) it's a boy, his name starts with an A.

Am I a bad person if I don't go?

This is a friend who I have known for 6 years now. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and we used to talk and hang out all the time, even after graduation when we lived more than an hour apart. Ever since she got married though... things have changed.

She doesn't answer my calls. Sometimes she will call me back a few days later, but usually there's no response. She doesn't respond to my texts, or my facebook messages. In fact, the only time I've spoken to her in 6 months was when she called to thank me for a baby gift I sent. We've made plans several times in the past 6 months. Each time she bails either the day of our plans or the day before. 

I feel like I don't know her anymore. I didn't know she was having a boy. I didn't know is name. I don't even know her due date. I haven't seen her baby bump, or talked to her about this amazing event in her life. When she told us she was pregnant, I was overjoyed for her (jealous too, but mostly overjoyed). She was so happy and so excited, but now I feel like I've been pushed out of her life, like I'm not wanted.

To be perfectly honest, I haven't been gung-ho about pursuing her. Since May my whole world has been turned upside down, and I've had to deal with a lot of things, some of which I've mentioned on this blog. I've been dealing with a lot, so when she started blowing me off, I honestly couldn't worry about it too much beyond feeling let down that I couldn't go to her when I needed a friend. 

So my question to readers. I've sent her a baby gift, months ago. I've made several attempts to be there for her during her pregnancy and been ignored or ditched. Should I ignore the fact that she's a crappy friend and just be there for her as a friend? Should I send her a note saying I wish her well and congrats? Or should I be a crappy friend back and blow her off? What do you think?

Oh, and as I wrote this last night, she sent me a message saying she hadn't heard for me in awhile and  that she hoped "all is well". I may have laughed.


  1. I think you have done another with the gift. You have done your part on trying to be there for her and continue your friendship and she is the one blowing you off and putting in no effort - she needs to realize that. Maybe if you don't go to her shower it will finally open her eyes. I truly think you have no obligation to her at this point.

  2. I hear you on this. I hate when "friends" only pop up in situations where there is a guaranteed present. It doesn't seem like you're very into it, which is understandable due to her actions. I guess it depends on how much effort you want to put into this. You can talk to her and kind of let her know how you're feeling about everything and how she's been absent from what's going on in your life. It's not uncommon, people fall into their own lives and grow apart (you've read my blog, duh story of my life!). Other option is to either grin and bear it and just get a small giftcard or something, or you can just say you have a conflicting commitment you already RSVP'ed to. It really depends on what you're comfortable with.

  3. Hey, I just recently became a follower. :) Anyway...

    Some friends stick by you through life and you grow and change together. With others, the separation is inevitable. At this point, it seems that even if you were to make that one last effort to save the friendship by going to the baby shower, she is not going to recognize the action for what it is (which is understandable at such an event, to be fair to her). She will be busy with HER baby, HER party, HER preparations. If you want her to notice that you're unhappy with her recent actions and you want to fix the relationship, you should really tell her openly (ahead of time) instead of showing up and trying to pick up the pieces without her knowing. If you don't go, let me tell you that in her mind, you have let go of the friendship for good and you are the one leaving her in the lurch (totally unfair to you, but everyone thinks this way -- that they are the ones wronged). If that's ok with you, don't go. It seems to me from this post that you've already made up your mind, though. If you don't see yourself losing something important with her absence, she wasn't such a great friend after all, right?

  4. You've tried getting together with her, you've sent a gift and she does nothing but flake. I have a friend like that and I finally just gave up on it...A few months later she came crawling back wondering why I hadn't called her in so long. I was finally honest with her and now our friendship is back on track. Maybe this will happen for y'all..But if not, at least you know you tried!!

  5. I don't think you're a bad friend. You've done your part. Trying to get in touch with her, etc. It does seem like she doesn't think she's the one who's let the friendship go though, with the "haven't heard from you message".. Maybe you should use that as an opener and say.. "Well, it works both was ya know.. I've contacted you with no response.." kinda thing. And see where that goes. might work, might not. Hope you get it all worked out hun!

  6. Reading through the comments, I guess I'm in the minority - I say you should go to the baby shower. I don't think you're a bad person if you don't go but friendships are hard to keep up - and it sounds like you guys were pretty good friends at one point.

    Even if she hasn't been there for you, I wouldn't blow her off at this point - I'd see it as my last chance to make this friendship work. Even if you don't see each other often or talk to each other a lot, just knowing that there is still some sort of friendship between you two is better than none at all.

    I'd be the bigger person and suck it up and go but that's just me. However, if you're going to go but feel bitter because she wasn't there for you, then that might not be the best choice. In the end, you have to do what feels right to you.

  7. I don't think you're a bad person at all. It sounds like you've done your part.

    I would listen to your gut on this one. If you feel guilty about not going, don't go, or vice versa.

    Honestly, it sounds like she needs to make time for a serious conversation with you about the friendship. Sounds like you've done your part and some. Sounds like she's letting a good friend slip away.


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