Thursday, December 29, 2011

Paranoid Much?

Why yes, I am extremely paranoid. 


About ... well, everything.


That little creaking noise that was probably just the house settling. In my mind it's a crazy ax murderer who is intent on my slow and painful demise... why does he seek out me in particular? No idea, but I'm sure he does.


The door whose deadbolt is unlocked. It couldn't be because Drew or I left it unlocked, oh no, someone must have broken in. Never mind the fact that the knob part of the door is still locked.


I'm constantly paranoid that the house is going to catch on fire while we're not home and poor Zoey will be trapped or that she will get sick, or Drew will get sick. Or I will get sick. A kid I graduated high school with just died on Monday after less than a year battling cancer... he was 26, that's started my death paranoia up all over again.


My worst paranoia right now? This baby. I'm so afraid that I'm going to do something wrong or things are just going to go wrong for no reason. I know in my mind that if something is going to happen, there is nothing I can do to prevent it... but my gut still worries. So much so that I actually dread my OB appointments. I'm convinced before each one that I'm going to go in and they won't be able to find a heartbeat or they're going to tell me that I was never actually pregnant in the first place. I get myself all upset about it. This morning I wanted to cry before my 11 week appointment, because I was so sure thing weren't going to be okay... and then I heard that little heartbeat. That little sound (that actually sounded to me like a dog panting) made me feel a million times better.


As reassuring as that was, I know that when I go to my 16 week appointment, I will get myself all worried, all over again... it's just part of who I am. I worry, I stress, and I drive myself (and Drew) crazy... but I can't help it. My mind knows that it's irrational, but I can't stop all the what if's and worse case scenarios from popping into my head. 


Oh how I envy the people who can just go with the flow.

3 comments:

  1. I am super paranoid too. When I was younger I swore their was a burglar standing at the edge of my bed for 2 hours. Turns out it was my sisters blanket draped over the bunk bed in the shape of a person. No wonder it kept moving. Scarred me for life...haha.

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  2. C will tell you that I am the absolute WORST when it comes to house creaks or just being in the house alone, period. Not too long ago, I had a few glasses of wine and was alone in my house at about 10:30 at night (which is old...like built in 1900 old) and I was hearing voices. C was working late and loved the panicked calls he got about 'voices in the house'. It ended up being the upstairs smoke detector saying "low batteries". WHAT SMOKE DETECTOR TALKS TO YOU AND DOESN'T JUST BEEP?!

    Anyway, I'm a loser. I jump at every creak...you are not alone.

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  3. Oh you are NOT in the least bit alone here. My husband works most nights and comes home around 11-12pm and I am usually on the couch because going into the bedroom to sleep is out of the question ... we all know there is someone under the bed or peeking through the closet at me. And I am 6 weeks pregnant so now I am worrying, what was that twinge in my belly, is the baby ok, or is it just gas? Ugh. I am looking forward to following your baby blog and being comforted someone else is going through it just like I am. :)

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