Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I'm sorry... but I'm not REALLY sorry...

I am a rather private person.


I just started laughing at the irony of writing that statement on a blog I use to share my life with, oh, everyone in the world.


Ok... let me restate that. I like to be able to choose what I share with people. Better? Pregnancy has been one of those things where I've struggled with how much to share. Granted, I've shared a LOT on this blog. My worries, my fears, my excitement, and especially my complaints. But doing so has really been about me. I'm selfish like that. Venting here is my outlet, where I can say what I want. And sure, people can comment, but if I don't like what they say I have the power to delete them (muh-hahahaha)


Real life people? I can't really delete. 


I guess where I'm (trying) to go with this, in a roundabout off-topic manner, is that I want to have the right to decide how much of my labor/birth/new baby I want to share with the world. And I don't feel like I have that right.


This post is probably going to piss off a couple of people in my life... but I have to say it. I don't want you there when I give birth. Any of you. I'm not even sure I really want Drew there, but since he participated in this whole "creating a human being" thing, he has to be there... but that's it. I don't want friends or family in the room... I don't even want you down the hall waiting around. Hell, I don't even want you to know that we're IN labor when it happens. 


I'm being selfish again, but this is about me. My family. My life-changing event. I want to be able to walk around the labor floor and not have people in the waiting room watching and asking how we're doing. I want to say what I want and do what I need to do in that labor room without worrying. I want to have those first couple of hours with just my husband and our new baby. Those first moments when we become a family, are ours and I'll be damned if I'm going to share them with anyone.


But there's the guilt. The family members who want to be called the moment we think something is happening. The friends who want to visit "first". I get it, I know they mean well and their desires come from love and wanting to share in such a momentous occasion... and that kills me. It would be one thing if they were just being nosy and intrusive... but the fact that I'm going to hurt their feelings by not calling until AFTER I've had time alone with my baby... makes me feel like a bad person.


This has been eating me alive for weeks now. And as her impending birth gets closer and closer, it has caused me a lot of agony. I have to choose between doing what feels right for me and my family... and hurting those that I love. It's a rough choice, and one that won't have a good outcome either way. Granted, I've chosen, and those friends and family members have lost, because I think that bonding time with Drew and Fynn and me is just too important to lose... but I feel guilty... and I know that guilt is not going to go away. 

2 comments:

  1. DO NOT feel guilty about this! The birth experience is for YOU to decide. I had said I didn't want anyone in the labor room, but my mother-in-law snuck in anyway. After six hours my husband finally had a nurse throw her out because he didn't have the heart to do it, and she wasn't picking up on our hints. Yes, your family loves you, but they should also understand that this is an experience that bonds you as a family. This is only the first act of many in which you will need to stand up for yourself when it comes to your child(ren). Do it your way without the guilt, but be honest and straight forward with your family now.

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  2. I swear I commented on this.... but, do not feel guilty! It is your experience. I was the same way, I did not want to offend my family members, but I also did not want anyone in the room except for my husband (and the slew of nurses and doctors). And DO NOT feel guilty for wanting your family time before everyone gets to meet her. I MADE SURE my nurse knew that no family was allowed in the room, so if they came to the nurses desk and asked where we were not to let them come in.

    I would just hate for you to regret your decisions in this experience. Do what YOU want to do and what makes YOU happy.

    Plus, if you plan on bfeeding, the nurses insist on that family time to try it right away. I would not have given up those first moments with me, my daughter and my husband. Everyone will get their chance to hold your little girl, AFTER you are ready. :)

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