Thursday, October 11, 2012

You've caught me on a really good day, when my hair is washed.

Slight exaggeration... except one night last week night. When I was falling asleep and I realized I hadn't washed my hair in the shower. But usually I manage to at least be clean.

What I can't seem to manage is everything else. Being back at work has lead to both my work and my life suffering... and I'm kinda miserable. 

I'm a crappy teacher right now. Straight up. I get nothing done because during my preps and lunch I go pump. And when I'm teaching, my heads just not really in the game. I also leave twice during classes to pump and have to get coverage... which means I have to leave independent work or busy work for my kids to do while I'm gone. And even when I am teaching all I think about is the baby and what she's doing and whether she's happy.

And then I get home. And the baby doesn't really care that we're together again. She's tired, I'm tired, we're both cranky, and I don't truly cherish our time together the way I should. 

All this came to a head yesterday morning. I started sobbing the second Drew walked out the door with her (FYI, up to this point, I hadn't cried since the first morning I went back). Then I cried all the way to school. I pulled myself together, was getting prepped for the morning, when a good friend walked in. She could tell instantly that I was having a rough morning. Of course the instant she gave me that sympathetic look... I melted into tears. I ended up sobbing to my three best work friends about how hard it was and how tired I am. I. Was. Pathetic.

Straight up

And they were amazing. I am so blessed to work with such loving, caring, people. They get where I'm at right now, even though most of them have kids who are my age or older. They love me. They look out for me. And they do everything in their power to help me out... even when it makes their lives more difficult. I love them.

Nothings improved, nothing has changed, but I felt better today. Maybe it was getting it all off my chest. Maybe it was coming to that realization that I'm not the only one whose ever felt this way. Maybe I just needed a good cry, but today felt better Let's see what tomorrow brings. 

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you have supportive work friends to help you through this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to teach and have an infant as I returned to school to get my teaching degree when my youngest was entering Kindergarten. I can say, though, that even with my girls being 9 and 11 I still have times I wonder what they are doing and why I am spending so much time on other people's children while mine are neglected (not really, but it feels that way) so I can get grading, planning, and prepping done. You're doing a great job. Hang in there!

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