Sunday, February 24, 2013

The longest 28 minutes of my life

7 minutes. That's how long I've been listening to my daughter cry. 7 agonizing minutes.

I feel like the worst mother in the world.

We've tried everything, and she just won't sleep. She hates sleep. She refuses to nap until she's so tired she just can't keep her little eyes open. At daycare they push her around in a stroller until she passes out, and even then she still only takes one or two naps that are always less than an hour. At night it takes an hour to get her to sleep and she still gets up 3-4 times. She's exhausted. We're exhausted.

I feel like I've been a zombie for months. Getting just enough sleep to physically function, but not feeling human at all. I'm exhausted all the time. The exhaustion makes my anxiety a million times worse. It makes me stressed. It makes me hate my life. It makes me be a not-so-nice person. It's pushed Drew and I to extremes.

We've tried every variation of "sleep training" techniques. Read multiple books, visited countless website and chat rooms. We've tried everything we could think of, everything recommended by the experts, everything other moms have sworn by.

Nothing has worked.

So here I am. Going on 11 minutes of hearing her scream. I want nothing more then to go scoop her up. Cradle her in my arms. Make it all better.

I hate myself right now. I can't believe we've been reduced to this, but I don't know what else to try, how to help her sleep, how to help all of us sleep. It's the worst feeling in the world to hear your baby cry, and know it's all your fault. I'm sitting here crying myself... 

14 minutes now... how much longer will she cry? It's taking every ounce of strength I have not to run up those stairs. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she be one of those babies that just liked to go to sleep? One of those kids that started sleeping through the night on their own? Why does this have to be our last resort? It's killing me. 

20 minutes. I thought she was going to stop... and then she started all over again. Hysterically sobbing. I snuck up to check on her. Just to make sure she hadn't gotten caught in between the rails of her crib or something.


28 minutes... I think she's asleep. I'm praying that she's asleep. I'm going to wait another minute and go up and check on her. Make sure she's still breathing. 

30 minutes: She's fine. Passed out in her crib. She's so beautiful, so sweet. I hope she doesn't hate me too much. If after all this it doesn't help her sleep better I'm really going to lose it.

5 comments:

  1. I know it's hard but I wouldn't feel to guilty about it. The Doctor's recommend this. In fact, our Doctor specifically told us to let her cry it out early. Lily's always been a good sleeper but there was a time when she would wake up at 4am every night. Erin got up with her a few times but eventually just ignored it and after one night of ignoring it she wasn't a problem again. The Doctor said once they realize that they're in their crib and that's there "safe place" when they wake up they'll know to go back to sleep. We also used Harvery Karps 5 S methods early and they really worked well from the get go. We still use the white noise machine and sometimes the sleep sheep but anyway I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

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  2. We did cry it out sleep training when Aubrey was 6 months old. It's painful listening to her cry but for us, it worked wonders. The first night she cried for 40 minutes before falling asleep, 15 minutes night 2, 3 minutes night 3 and one minute on night 4. We just re-did the sleep training this weekend because she is now in a toddler bed. It worked amazingly again. Keep at it and things will get better!

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  3. I agree with these ladies. We had to do the cry it out method with my son at 6 months. It was so difficult at first but if you stay with it you will have the best sleeper and a happy baby. And I recommend the white noise machine. How old is your little one?

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  4. CIO. One of the best things I ever trained myself to let my baby do. Some babies need it, some don't. My little munch is WAY too smart, she needs boundaries, and needs to know we aren't coming! As wrong as that sounds. She had a regression recently and would wake up and after 5 minutes of crying she said ' Mommy Daddy workin?' and went back to sleep.
    Too funny. It was 4 am and we were in bed killing ourselves laughing. Keep at it! Its called sleep training for a reason. She needs to learn to settle herself. You will know the difference between a distressed cry, and a needy cry.

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  5. Hearing them cry like that is so hard. The cry out method never worked for us, partly probably because I just couldn't take it. My little guy is 16 months and still doesn't sleep through the night, he now only wakes up once but I've been there with the 3-4 wake ups a night. It will get better and easier, I promise.

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