Wednesday, September 3, 2014

I knew it, I knew it, I FREAKING knew it.

Written 6/30/14, the day we found out.

I'm pregnant.

Holy crap. 

I totally knew it too. I mean, I was craving a tuna fish sandwich for dinner one night last week. I've craved tuna- oh about never in my entire life. My runs have sucked for the last two weeks even though I've been working out a lot more than usual, and I've felt like I've been hit by a freight train tired... even with Fynn sleeping later than usual some days. The biggest one was that none of my pants fit. Even though I had lost weight, all my pants kept digging into my gut.

Of course though, I'm that flipping idiot that takes the test at noon time on a day when her husband is at work. So instead of actually being able to tell Drew he's going to be a Daddy again... I'm typing about it here. Somehow I have to hold this in for the next 5+ hours. Awesome.

I think he kinda knows it's coming. I've told him I think I'm pregnant. I've told him I'm 5 days late... but I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making things up, so it might be a surprise.

Okay, I need to back up a bit,  because this post is scattered all over the place... kinda like my emotions right now. We kinda sorta maybe planned this without actually thinking it would happen. See, we went through almost a years worth of fertility treatments and tests to get pregnant with Fynn. Basically, I'm broken. I have PCOS (read about it here) which means that instead of releasing eggs most months, my ovaries release cysts that gang up on my insides making fertility difficult. Combine that with hormone imbalances and I was told 3 years ago that I could probably never have kids on my own... my doctor wasn't even sure at that point that we could conceive with treatments. In my eyes, Fynn was my miracle baby. Therefore, when we talked about having another baby, we decided to see if things would just happen on their own. We didn't want to go down the fertility treatment road again because our emotions (and bank account!) just couldn't handle all that again.

My OB/GYN did warn me when Fynn was born that, for some women with PCOS, having a child can jump start your system into functioning normally- clearly the case here, but I never thought it would happen. When we decided to "see what happens", neither of us really thought it could happen. I was hopeful, but doubtful... so now I don't know what to feel right now. I'm excited, but also scared. How on earth am I going to manage 2 kids? Also, OMG Fynn's going to be a big sister! See? Conflicting emotions.

See also: this so does not feel real yet. I've actually gone back to the test 3 times already to make sure it does, in fact, say that I'm pregnant. (It does)

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