Friday, May 29, 2015

The first day back

Grumpy Cat about says it all:

I was overprepped for yesterday having gotten everything I could possibly ever need for work packed up and ready to go. My mom watched the kids yesterday, and I was fine until about 2 minutes before I had to leave the house when Fynn kept asking for "one more kiss and a hug" and Bentley was looking all sweet baby and I started to tear up and feel like crap. By the time I got in the car I was straight up sobbing and debating whether Drew would kill be if I just didn't go to work and skipped a couple of pay checks. By the time I assured myself that not going would most likely result in an untimely grave dug in the backyard, I was halfway to work and out of tears (the one tiny benefit to a 40 minute commute-plenty of time to work through lots of emotions).

Once I was at work, I got busy trying to figure out what on earth my students have been doing for the past 14 weeks. My class was on an 11 hour field trip all day that I couldn't go on (no place/time to pump) so I taught my math class, figured out my pumping schedule, and worked in my classroom to figure out what needs to get done in the last 3 weeks of school and try to get back in teacher mode.

I came back to a large banner in the hall welcoming me back, tons of notes on my board, and several pictures/notes left on my desk for me... it was nice to feel loved. I got tons of hugs from kids and coworkers and I managed not to cry at all after I got to school.

It will be manageable. It's hard. I want to be with my babies. But it's for such a short time that I know I can handle it and the kids will be fine. In reality, they're probably going to love it more than having me home.

15 more days until summer vacation!

Thursday, May 28, 2015

And then it all hit me

I've been fine about coming back to work today. Actually kind of looking forward to it. Interaction with adults, the last couple of weeks of school and then summer vacation- I was ready.

And then it all hit me.

Today I leave my baby. My teeny tiny human who thus far has been completely in my care for almost 14 weeks. I flipped out the other day, just thinking about it. I'm egotistical enough to worry that he won't be okay without me... that he needs me and me alone. I'm THAT important, apparently.

But really, what if he's not? What if he won't take a bottle today? What if my mom can't get him to take a nap? What if Fynn is a major beast and my mom decides that she will never again watch my kids again (after a day with them both,  I could see it happening).

The bottle was the biggest thing; we dropped the ball on bottles with Bentley and haven't given him as many as we should have. Saturday Drew watched the kids for 3 hours in the morning while I got a hair cut and B refused to take a bottle, struggled to nap and made things rough for Drew... that's what got me worrying. If Drew had such a hard time, how are other people going to manage? My heart sank and I just started crying.

By the time this post publishes, I will be on my way to work. Probably crying. Definitely working. And already counting down the hours until I get back home.

Just breathe. 16 days. I can do this.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Why I should not be a SAHM, and why I have such admiration for them.

Truth be told, I'm bored.

Mostly, that's my own fault. I need to do a better job coming up with fun things to do with the kids to get out of the house. It's hard with a rambunctious almost-3-year-old and an infant, but it's my goal for the summer.

I have a great job for raising a family; holidays, summers, and snow days off- it's amazing. I get lots of time to spend with my babies... but I don't think I could handle any more. Here is why my admiration for stay at home moms comes in- I just don't know how they do it. How do they keep it fresh? How do they stick to a budget? How do they keep themselves from eating everything in the pantry? How do they manage it all?

Being home with Fynn last summer was awesome. Being home with both kids this spring on maternity leave has been great... but enough is enough. I need to have adult conversation during the day. Hell, I need to have conversations that don't revolve around bodily functions, crayons, and Team Umizoomi. I need a structure in place that doesn't allow me to snack all day long. I need a routine that give me a bit of a break and doesn't always revolve around the whims of tiny humans. I need a job that is not the same 24/7/365.

I mean really, more power to all SAHMs, because it is an incredible feat to know your job is never ending and still go about it on a day to day basis with a smile on your face. Yes, the pay is priceless; time with your children, seeing them grow and learn and knowing that's all on you. It's such a gift, but it's a gift that I can't seem to handle.

I lack the patience, creativity, and energy for this job!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Bentley is 3 months!

Three months seems like such a huge milestone, no? Just me? Whatever, it feels huge to me probably because it means I go back to work this week. This month Bentley...

  • weighs in at 11 lbs 2 oz. Is wearing 0-3 and 3 month clothing and size 1 diapers
  • Giggles! It's the funniest little sound and always makes me smile. He giggles over faces, funny noises, and big sister Fynn.

  • is such a happy little guy. It seriously melts my heart daily just to see how happy he is. He wakes up from naps grinning, always has a smile for people and just radiates happiness and enjoyment.
  • is a decent sleeper. Most nights he goes down between 7 and 8, gets up around 1 or 2 to eat and then is up around 7 in the morning. Not bad :)
  • During the day he takes 3-5 naps that range from 30 minutes to 4 hours. I'm hoping these become more predictable this summer.

  • is trying to roll from back to belly. I think he just likes to be on his belly because he tries to roll when on his back, but doesn't when on his belly.
  • Loves on his big sister. I really hope this lasts. These two are just so in love with each other. They have such joy in just seeing each other and already try to communicate and play. I couldn't ask for a better sibling relationship and am so, so, proud of Fynn for being such an amazing big sister.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Time is running out... and I'm cool with that.

I have less than three days left of my maternity leave, and I'm actually okay with that. Thursday I go back to work, and I'm actually looking forward to it. Yes, I'm stressed about pumping schedules and worrying about my teeny-tiny human being taken care of someone other than myself, but I'm looking forward to a little more routine and having the end of the school year with my students.

Why I'm okay going back:
  1. Yeah, it's 16 days. I can do just about anything for 16 days. Seriously. And then I get summer vacation. So no matter how much going back sucks, it's so temporary that it's laughable.
  2. I want to have these last weeks with my students. I've been their teacher in some way for three years now, so having closure at the end is a great feeling.
  3. I miss my work friend. I work with some amazing people, and not seeing them every day for 14 weeks is giving me the sads.
  4. I can pee by myself there. Such an underrated luxury that only moms tiny humans can really appreciate
  5. Great childcare; my mom and Drew's mom are both taking the kids for a couple of days and the rest will be spent at daycare with the sweetest, kindest, most loving childcare provider I could ever ask for. All three of the women who will be watching my tiny humans while I'm at work are amazing and will love on my kids as if they were their own... what more can a mama ask for?
  6. I don't have to have the naptime battle with the toddler. That one explains itself.
  7. The last couple of weeks of school are filled with fun stuff: field days and assemblies and the palpable excitement of impending summer makes it easy to enjoy the last couple of days
  8. Did I mention it's only 16 days?

Why I'm not okay going back:
  1. The thought of someone else caring for the teeny tiny human for 8ish hours a day makes my heart sink
  2. The end of the school year is chaotic and busy... meaning making the time to pump and get coverage for my class may get dicey, but it has to happen
Yep, that's it. So you can see that my reasons for being okay are numerous and important.

I can do this... at least for 16 days :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The best idea I ever stole from Pinterest

I'm constantly scouring Pinterest looking for activities to do with Fynn or home decorating ideas that I will never actually use, but last week I found one that I felt I could handle, and it ended up being awesome for Fynn and me.

Here's the link to the original post I found about it. All I did was freeze a bunch of water, some coins, a spoon and Pez candy in a metal bowl. Then I took Fynn out to the deck, gave her a turkey baster, some water and a measuring cup and let her go to town. She quickly figured out how to squirt the water to loosen up the items and even decided to let the ice chunk sit in the sun for a bit to soften up. The best part of the activity? She could do it with or without me. I played with her for about 20 minutes, but then Bentley needed to eat so I left her to play while I fed him and she spent about another hour working on it until she got everything out.

Next time (because we are SO doing this again) I would find some better items for her to "discover". I went with what I could find around the house that wouldn't be damaged by being in ice, but next time I'd find some plastic toys and new things that would be more exciting for her to excavate.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

May 2015 Ipsy Glam Bag

*Disclosure: This post contains referral links

This month's Ipsy Glam Bag came early for me. Usually I get mine around the 20th, but mine came on the 14th this month. The theme for this month is "Jetsetter". As usual, I fail to see how the products actually fit the theme, but whatevs. I'm meh about the bag; nothing special or super cute, but I'm sure either Fynn or I will find a use for it.
Bare Republic Naturals SPF 30 Mineral Face Sunscreen Lotion (~$5)
I had forgotten that summer Ipsy bags= awesome sunscreens to try out. I love the small bottles, they're perfect to throw in a beach bag or diaper bag. Since I'm a Casper in terms of complexion, daily sunscreen is a must for me, so I will definitely make good use out of this.
Nuxe Reve de Miel Facial Cleansing and Make Up Removing Gel (~$1.50)
I'm shocked by how cheap this is, but a 200 ml bottle is $19, so it's actually an affordable item. I love Ipsy and all, but a lot of the items are more expensive then I would ever spend on beauty products. It smells kind of funky, but the reviews on this look awesome, so I can't wait to try it out... sometime when I actually wear some make up... so probably not for another 2 weeks when I go back to work :)

 Urban Decay 24/7 Glide on Lip Pencil + Bonus Revolution High-Color Lipgloss in Failbait and Bittersweet. (~$5 for the pencil)
I was perplexed by this at first; the lip pencil is white and goes on clear... what's the point? But I read the info sheet which explained that it helps color stay on longer and gets rid of the lines you sometimes get when lipstick settles on your lips. The second part of this was two samples of their Revolution Lipgloss. Not a fan of the lipgloss. It's thick and sticky and oh.emm.gee. does anyone actually wear color like this in public? Gross.

I'm posting this picture; I have no shame
Chella Tantalizing Taupe Eyebrow Color (~$9)
At first I laughed... and then I tried it. See that picture above? I had use this on my eyebrows too. It's not something that I'd think of, but usually I have nonexistent blonde brows so this added a little definition and I actually liked it... It will be interesting to see how it looks when I have more than just nasty purple lipgloss on with it.

Luxie Tapered Blending Brush ($12)
I love make up brushes, even though I'm sure I don't use them all the way their intended. This one is soft and smooth, and it's pink which means I automatically love it.

Although I didn't get the theme, or love the bag, I did love the $32 worth of items I got for $10 and I love all the items except the lip pencil/gloss, I could have gone without those.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Review: Adovia Purifying Dead Sea Mud Mask

*Disclosure: I received free product samples in exchange for my review. No other compensation was received. All opinions are 100% my own.

Facemasks. I love them. I love that tight almost painful feeling as a mud mask is doing whatever it does to make your skin look and feel better. The Adovia Dead Sea Mud Mask is supposed to work by unclogging your pores to help your skin breathe. It does this through an all-natural formula that pulls out oil while "putting in much needed essential mineral from the Dead Sea". That's their claim, but does it work? I was fine with being a guinea pig to determine it's effectiveness.

The verdict: I like it. I wore it for about 8 minutes (the directions recommend 10-20, but my face was feeling tight and Fynn kept asking why I had chocolate on my face, so I washed it off). Right away I noticed how soft and smooth my face felt. It felt super clean, but I noticed about 20 minutes later that my face felt kind of dry. It didn't look dry, but it felt a little tight and slightly itchy. A little moisturizer fixed it immediately (actually some argan oil which is my new favorite beauty item).

Friday, May 15, 2015

Friday's Letters

Dear College Painting Crew,

I'm glad you're painting our house in the next couple of weeks, but the fact that you look twelve and are in college makes me feel incredibly old... also suddenly seeing you out there pressure washing the house while I was dripping sweat after my T25 workout... yeah, awkward.

Sorry about that,
I'll try to not be home next time you're here.

Dear Drew,
How about you not slam around the kitchen at 6 AM? Yes, you have to go to work all day, but I have to stay home with two tiny humans, one of which is an absolute beast when woken up too early.
Your wife, who was also up 7 times last night with the tiniest of our humans

Dear Zoey,

I know, I know, you don't get the love/attention/walks that you deserve and are used to. But for the love of all that is holy, if you don't shape up soon, you're going to find yourself with a new home because I am beyond tired of cleaning up your messes (created just moments after a trip out side or a walk) and your incessant barking is driving me beyond my breaking point.

Knock it off,

Dear Tiny Humans,
Yes, Fynn and Bentley, that refers to the two of you. Sleep is a good thing. Sleeping at the exact same time is an amazing thing. Please strive for more amazing.
Your tired Mama

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I love nap time

I'm sure I speak for every single parent in the world when I say nap time is the bomb (does anyone still say that?). I live, breathe, and dream of nap time every day. On the days I have both kids, I'm in desperate need of a short little break in the afternoon even if I just use it to watch 19 Kids and Counting or scroll through my Facebook newsfeed. Whatever. It's time spent not catering to the every need and whim of an almost 3-year old and an almost 3-month old. That means it's a good time.

Sadly, I fear Fynn is nearing the end of her napping days. She really only naps about half the time now, and less when she's at daycare because all her little friends are there avoiding naps with her. Bentley is not on a real nap schedule yet since he's still too young. However, there have been a handful of times where the stars have aligned and both kids manage to nap at the exact same time. Yesterday was one of those blissful days. And yes, Fynn took her nap yesterday on our bedroom floor. Hey, whatever works!  

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Having a Newborn is Easy (ish)

Tell that to the me of 3 years ago and I'd slap you in the face, but seriously, having a newborn is easy right now. Yeah, I'm tired. And yeah, nursing consumes my life... but this kid is so easy. Now, part of it is that Bentley is a MUCH easier baby than Fynn was (if you're reading this when you're older, sorry Fynn, but it is so true). But a big part is my perspective. Having an almost 3 year old shows me just how exhausting parenting can be. Having two kids makes taking care of just one (especially when it's the one who's only awake for about 2 hours at a time) seems relatively easy.

About 3 years ago, when I was home on maternity leave with Fynn, having a newborn seemed like the hardest thing in the world. I couldn't shower until Drew got home to watch the baby. Leaving the house took 3 hours of prep and packing and I still managed to forget something. Now I can get the baby, the toddler, and myself up and out of the house in 30 minutes and usually I have the essentials.

It also helps that I realize now how quickly the newborn phase passes and how much I'll miss the constant snuggles and neediness of such a tiny human. I'm trying to treasure all my time with both kids right now, because it's true how quickly they grow and change.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Mother's Day 2015

Remember Friday when I daydreamed about my ideal Mother's Day? Yeah, that didn't happen. Sunday was kind of a wreck despite Drew's best intentions.

Bentley started the day off rough by being up every hour and a half the night before. Combine 20 minutes of nursing each time with the 20-40 minutes it takes for me to fall asleep each time and you'll understand why I was still grumpy when I got up that morning. Fynn came running in with a grin on her face to give me the card she'd made with Drew and a gift card for a massage (which I am already looking forward to, even though I haven't booked it yet). Since my beloved Dunkin Donuts was a mad house, we ate carrot cake that Fynn had picked out at he store for breakfast.

Fynn was also in fine form after being sick the night before. While she said she felt better, she was still pretty tired and cranky, but refused to take a nap (nothing's more fun than an overtired toddler!).

Bentley and I attempted to take a nap in the late morning, but it wasn't very successful and I gave up on sleep at that point and decided it was time to go visit Mimi and Kiki (Drew's mom and my mom). Fynn was in a much better mood once we were around other people, and it was nice to have someone else snuggling the baby and playing with Fynn while I just sat around. We had lunch at my parents' house and then headed down the road to Drew's parents' house to spend some time with them.

It wasn't a bad Mother's Day, but no where near the blissful relaxation I had dreamed of. Yes, I knew a day of relaxation with an almost 3 year old and almost 3 month old was a pipe dream, but it was still my dream :)

Monday, May 11, 2015

My postpartum exercise routine

There is no routine.

But, there IS a goal. My goal is to work out several times a week and to (attempt) to feel halfway decent in this postpartum body of mine. Right now that looks like running once or twice a week and doing some type of workout video (T-25, Jillian Michaels, etc) once a twice a week as well.

Does that always happen? Nope. Of course not. I have two tiny humans on alternating sleep schedules, as husband who works 11+ hours a day during the week and often does side jobs on the weekends, oh, and I don't sleep therefore motivation sometimes often slips.

That says, I do try to make it a priority. Whether that means putting a workout video on during nap times and praying neither kid wakes up during it or shoving the kids at Drew when we walks in the door at night, I'm trying to make it happen. I'm currently 16 pounds above my prepregnancy weight which isn't too bad for being 11 weeks postpartum. I hold no illusions about looking good in a bathing suit this summer, but I want to feel "semi-okay" about myself come June; that's my goal. While I'd love to be one of those women who pop back to their former bodies right after baby, I know my body doesn't work that way. Last time I held on to about 10 pounds of "baby weight" until I stopped nursing, so I know that's likely to happen again. I also know that restricting my diet and/or exercising a lot both affect my milk supply, so I'm not doing a ton in those areas because being able to feed my tiniest human is way more important that whether I can squeeze into my jeans.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Why your post about what mothers want for Mothers' Day is a lie

All week things have been popping up on my social media feeds about what mothers "really" want for Mother's Day. These oh-so-helpful guides range from serious gift ideas to snarky sarcastic rants about just wanting time away from the kids on this special day. Some posts advise dads/kids/whoever all about the perfect jewelry/kids craft/breakfast in bed/time to herself gift that Mom REALLY wants this Sunday.

Well, I'm sorry, but they all lie.

What do moms REALLY want for Mother's Day?

Whatever they want. Sorry, not helpful, is it? But it's true. Survey 10 moms, and you'll get 10 very different ideas of what they expect/want on Mother's Day.
There is no "guide" to Mother's Day because, just like every mom, what moms want for Mother's Day is different. Some moms want the expensive gifts and pampering, others just want to be able to pee by themselves for the day and maybe not to do the laundry and some want a combination of the two.

What do I want for Mother's Day?

Absolutely nothing. No really, I'm serious. I want a whole hell of a lot of nothing. Nothing that HAS to be done. Nothing that NEEDS to be done. I want to get up when I want to get up and to have slept through the night (hey, if this is my dream Mother's Day, I can dream that my 2 month old sleeps through the night for the first time tomorrow night). I don't want to have to make meals, wipe butts, wipe spit up, fight over sleep, or do any of the other things my two tiny humans need me to do day in and day out.

I want to have just the fun parts of parenting this Sunday; snuggles and playing (and none of the clean up... or boring games. I'm not going to pretend that coloring what she tells me to color is fun). I want the kisses and hugs and baby grins.

Am I dreaming? Of course.

Thursday, May 7, 2015


It makes no sense to me that they bleep out swears, including certain swears that are relatively tame, but they can show scary horror movie trailers that give me nightmares for weeks.

 Leaving me and my chicken-ness out of the equation; I'd much rather my kid hear the "d-word" than watch some sketchy little girl growl like a demon while creepy music plays. Even better? When the scary movie commercial during Teen Mom freaks me out so much that I end up shouting out the same swears they just bleeped out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

And now my teeth are going to fall out.

I am the epitome of a oral health freak. I brush my teeth AT LEAST twice a day and I can't fall asleep at night if I haven't flossed. I had several cavities as a kid and then epic braces... after that I took healthy teeth seriously and it hasn't changed. I love my smile and am proud of my healthy habits

And none of that will keep my teeth from falling out.

Okay, I'm being a little melodramatic (have you read my IUD post?) But the truth of the matter is that I found out last week that I have the beginnings of gum disease (thanks Mom for yet another hereditary medical issue you didn't feel the need to tell me until after I've been diagnosed) and they want to keep a close eye on my gum recession because two pregnancies in three years has upped the ante and escalated the progression of the disease. I mentioned at the dentist that I had a tooth that was suddenly sensitive and the hygienist informed me that it was because a "good amount" of my gums around that tooth had receded and that part of my tooth that shouldn't be exposed to the world no was.


So now I can't help but stare at my teeth in the mirror and notice how it looks like my gums are lower on my teeth.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Why I always come last

I make excuses, but the truth is, like most moms, I put myself last. My needs come after the needs of both kids, the dog, and often my husband... because that's how I roll. And then I resent the fact that my needs aren't being met, and I become a not so nice person (ask Drew, hell tell you).

Here's what prompted this (sure to be) rambling post; A couple of weeks ago I told Drew I wanted to get my nails done. A mani-pedi to get a little break, have some me time, and because my feet were so not sandal-ready. He said he would watch the kids that weekend so that I could go, and the plan was set. Or so I thought.

As the weekend approached, Drew informed me that he needed to go finish up a side job he was working on and would be gone all day Saturday. No problem, I'd go and get my nails done Sunday instead. On Saturday his aunt and uncle texted him saying they were going to drop by Sunday morning. Drew said nothing. When I got up Sunday morning, Drew informed me that he had invited his parents over for the afternoon. I said nothing.

My bad. I should have said something... but I didn't feel like I could. Things were already done with and I was clearly not getting my nails done that weekend. I was annoyed, but figured that we would make time the next weekend. Of course, I didn't bring it up again because I didn't want to nag and I kinda sorta maybe thought Drew should be making it a priority since I've worked so hard to take care of things at home when he did side jobs and other projects around the house.

However, I kept feeling frustrated by it. Why couldn't something I wanted to do be a priority? Why did "my thing" have to get pushed aside. (and yes, I know, this is petty. I wanted to get my nails done, not exactly something super important or necessary... it was the principal of the matter)

Then I was frustrated because I didn't have any time to run, or take a nap, or do anything else that didn't involve schlepping along two tiny humans. Again though, I didn't say anything because I feel like I can't. I always have. I feel like I work so hard making sure everyone else gets what they want/need and that at SOME point, other people would think "oh hey, Amanda needs a little break too... I should make that happen".

Except no one ever thinks that. Or does anything about it. So if I want something for myself I have to make sure I make it happen. Otherwise I only have myself to blame for being frustrated.

Friday, May 1, 2015

The Randoms

  • On Monday Fynn went to the dentist and was the most perfect angel of a 2-year old. Everyone there talked about how well-behaved she was and how well she listened... of course they didn't see her the rest of the day where she was a complete terror/mess who yelled at me, cried, and threw fits over and over. I love that she's well-behaved in public, but for the love of all that is holy, why can't she sometime exhibit some of that behavior for me? Drives me bonkers\
  • Wednesday both kids napped. At the same time. For more than an hour. (And Bentley wasn't sleeping on me!) My mommy heart was so ecstatic... and then I didn't know what to do with myself so I watched 19 Kids and Counting, blogged a bit, and read a book (all alone!!!!)
  • Nicknames? Where do these even come from? I'm not talking about how we call Fynnleigh Fynn. I'm talking about how we often call Fynn "Bugaboo" or "Bugs" and Bentley is now "Bubbaloo" or "Bubba". I don't even know why, but Drew and I both do it.
  • Also, for some reason, when I write/text about Bentley, I always just want to write "B"... I never want to write "F" for Fynn... what's with that?
  • I'm so sad that Dunkin Donut's 99 cent Iced Tea promotion had ended... I loved that :(  
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